studbucketstyles:

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Niall’s POV

I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Brittany was Lexie’s best friend and we had bumped into each other at a club. Lexie was home sick with a flu the night I got back from tour. I was selfish and got into an argument with her, it had been months since I last saw her. That’s what I hated about my job, the touring was awesome but being away was always hard. I was so miserable without her most of the time. After I hung up the phone with an I’m sorry, feel better babe. I love you. I headed out to Odyssey alone. When I walked inside the dark club the music pumped through my veins and I made my way back to the bar. Hands covered my eyes and a warm breath exhaled against my neck, a familiar voice in my ear. “Niall, what a  surprise to see you here. Back from touring, where’s Lex?” She pulled away as I downed my fifth drink of the night. I hadn’t eaten yet and the alcohol was working faster than usual. I focused on Brittany’s lips and said, “She’s home with a flu I guess.” Her brow furrowed back at me, “Someone mad she’s sick the day you get back?” She raised a brow and leaned in closer as I said, “Yeah I guess I’m a little upset. It’s been 2 months, kill me if I wanted a night out with my girlfriend.” She placed a hand on my shoulder, her thumb pressed lightly into my neck, “If you wanted to see her so badly why are you here alone when you could be with her at her flat?” I rolled my eyes and leaned closer, little space separating our bodies from touching, her thumb stroking my neck gently sending shivers down my spine. “You want to get out of here, go back to my place?” I slurred and she smiled coyly, dropping her hold on me only to reach out for my hand and tug me behind her. 

We stumbled into the door of my cold flat and she switched the lights on. I closed the door then made my way over to her my arms blocking her between the wall and my body. She leaned her face up to mine and her hands wrapped around my neck as she pulled me to her. I pressed my lips to hers and she sighed and deepened the kiss. The next thing I knew I was in bed with my girlfriend’s best friend, our clothes strewn across the flat, no going back and no will to stop this drunkenly disaster. 

I woke up to Britt in my arms as I recalled what had happened the night before. I pushed her away from me and sat up bringing my head to my hands. There was a knock on the door and a key turning in the lock. Before I realized what was happening. I heard the door close and her voice ring out in an echo, “Niall? Are you here?” She set her bag down and made her way to my bedroom door that was slightly open. It was too late, she knocked then pushed it open to see a half naked Brittany dressing on the other side of the bed. “Lexie I can explain.” Her eyes widened when she took in the scene. “Niall, you didn’t.” Tears were about to spill over as I stared at her and she walked over to face her friend. “No. How.. You.. My best friend.. Niall.” She closed her eyes and waited for me to answer, “Lexie I’m sorry. It didn’t mean anything. We were drunk. It was a mistake. I love you, I want you.” She held up her hand stopping me, “You fucked my so called best friend because I was sick and couldn’t go out.” I felt my mouth open but no words came out. “Lexie, let’s talk this out.” Brittany said resting a hand on her shoulder. “What’s there to talk about? I come over to find my best friend in bed with my boyfriend. There’s nothing more to say. You both just broke my heart.” I watched her swipe away a tear she let fall. “Lex please. It was a drunken mistake.” She balled her fist and her brow furrowed, “A drunken mistake doesn’t make it right. You knew what this would do to me and you did it anyway. Fuck the both of you.” Britt reached out to calm her down, “Don’t fucking touch me slut.” She slapped Britt’s hand away and left the room. I went after her blocking the door so she would face me. “Niall get out of the way.” She hissed through clenched teeth making me flinch. “Please let’s talk about this. Please.” I held her gaze before she shut her eyes and said, “There’s nothing more to say. Get your shit out of my place by the end of the day. Leave the key.” I closed my eyes as tears flooded over and I begged, “Please don’t go. Let me explain. Talk this out with me. Please. I love you.” Her face relaxed at my words and she brought her hand to my face and caressed it. “If you loved me this would have never happened, especially with her of all people.” She slapped me then walked out and slammed the door behind her. 

Lexie’s POV

I was lying in bed staring at the side where he used to sleep. Everything felt cold and empty now that he left. I held tighter to the sweatshirt of his that was left behind and pulled it in to breathe the warm scent of him that lingered. Its been a week since I made him leave, I couldn’t look at him knowing what he’d done.The tears soaked the pillow my head was rested on and I drew in a sharp breath. I remembered that dreadful day so clearly, nothing I did would make the memories fade. My phone was ringing on the bedside table, the same familiar tone that sounded whenever he called. I didn’t even have to turn to check the caller ID, I knew it was Niall. I shut my eyelids tight to try to lock the tears in and failing. Angry at myself I chucked the sweatshirt across the room knocking over a picture frame on the dresser. I stared at the empty side of the closet where I used to watch him dress in the mornings and quickly turned myself over to keep the remembrance of him at bay. The phone stopped ringing only to start again. I hadn’t picked up any of his calls but that didn’t stop him from calling multiple times a day. I sighed turned over and grabbed my phone wanting it to stop, “Niall what the fuck do you want? I think I made myself clear that I never wanted to hear from you again. Stop calling me asshole.” I sucked in a breath and closed my eyes to the sound of his shallow breathing on the other line, he’d been crying I could tell. “Lexie, please listen. Please.. Just..” his voice trailed as I tried to will myself to not give in. “What could you possibly have to say to me now? You cheated, I trusted you and you shattered every chance of ever gaining that back. I can’t look you without wanting to cry. You cheated on me with her. I can’t, Niall, I can’t. Please just stop calling me…” I felt my chest cave in on me as I took in a deep, shaky breath. “Please, Niall just stop calling me. Let me get over this without you calling me to remind me what you did with my best friend. Just.. Stop.” My last words came out barely audible and I choked out the tears I’d been holding in. “Lex, please come back. I love you. It’s always been you, only you. I’m sorry.” I squeezed my lids and said, “If it has always been me and only me, this never would have happened. You did this, I don’t care if you were drunk, if she was drunk, you were the most important people in my life and you ruined that. You ruined me. Stop calling, leave me alone. I’m done and there’s nothing you can say or do to change my mind Niall. Goodbye.” I hung up the phone and set it back on the table. 

This wasn’t happening, I was going to wake up from this awful nightmare and my life would be normal again. I wiped my eyes and headed for the bathroom. I stood in front of the sink and stared back at the stranger in the mirror. My hair was no longer a shiny brown, my eyes were puffy and rimmed red, my face was blotchy and pale, my cheeks already sunken in after such a short time. I shut my eyes and reopened them to find the same unrecognizable person looking back. I grew angry all over again and I punched the mirror and the glass shattered as my fist hit. I sank to the floor and let my head fall to my hands. Everything was so unbearable, my life was a living hell and I wanted out. I got up and went to my notebook I had lying on the desk. I sat down as I wrote out a final goodbye, my escape from here was so tempting I shivered at the thoughts that consumed me with glee. Everything will be better once I’m gone, this pain will end when I do. The letter laid against the wooden desk and I signed it with a final tear falling onto the paper, smearing the fresh ink, and drops of blood staining it from the hand that punched the mirror. I picked up my phone and typed out a message and pressed send. Making my way back to the bathroom I grabbed the razor and sank to the cold floor. I made a fist with one hand as I dug the sharp point into the flesh of my wrist drawing blood. One cut wasn’t enough I thought as I made a new puncture going deeper. I felt myself slip in and out of blackness as I made a third and final cut longer and deeper than the first two had been. I gazed down at the red pooling from my wrist and felt myself weaken. The blade slipped from my fingers and I laid my face down on the cool tile. The blackness overcame me as I watched the red slowly surround me. 

Niall’s POV

Nothing was right anymore. I made one mistake and my world fell apart around me and there wasn’t a way to fix it. It’d been a week and nothing changed. I called her phone as much as I could hoping, praying she’d answer but they never were. I got up off the bed and crossed the dark room and rested my head against the hard wall. I felt the wet warmth of a tear roll down my cheek as my phone vibrated in my hand, I took in a hopeful breath and gazed at the caller ID. This couldn’t be happening, “Brittany, stop calling me.” She scoffed, “You act like it was just me that did this. We both fucked up okay? It’s not just me in this, we both screwed Lexie over. I’m only calling to see if she’s answered you. I’m worried about her, this could be the last straw for her.” I choked knowing that Lexie had hurt herself before, had dealt with a darkness in her that she tried so hard to fight. “She won’t answer no matter how many times I call. I’m not giving up yet.” I shut my eyes tight as I heard Britt exhale loudly in my ear, “Let me know if she answers,” was all she said and hung up. I turned my back against the wall and slid down it. The black phone felt heavy in my hands before dialing once more. I had been so lost in my thought, so used to her ignoring my calls that it startled me when she picked up. I didn’t know what I wanted to say, and before I could start she yelled. It didn’t matter if it was her mad at me, her yelling, her voice in my ear was all I needed. 

“Niall what the fuck do you want? I think I made myself clear that I never wanted to hear from you again. Stop calling me asshole.” I cringed at the words, silently cursing myself for being so stupid. I was still shocked that she answered and choked out, “Lexie, please listen. Please.. Just..” I sniffled trying to stay strong, wanting to continue what I had to say to her but she stopped me before I could continue.  “What could you possibly have to say to me now? You cheated, I trusted you and you shattered every chance of ever gaining that back. I can’t look at you without wanting to cry. You cheated on me with her. I can’t, Niall, I can’t. Please just stop calling me…” I listened to her draw in a deep shaky breath, she’d been trying not to cry and was breaking down but she continued, “Please, Niall just stop calling me. Let me get over this without you calling me to remind me what you did with my best friend. Just.. Stop.” I heard the barely whispered sentence and finally noticed my own tears falling. Praying that this time she’ll hear me out I said, “Lex, please come back. I love you. It’s always been you, only you. I’m sorry.” My lips trembled as I waited for her reply. “If it has always been me and only me, this never would have happened. You did this, I don’t care if you were drunk, if she was drunk, you were the most important people in my life and you ruined that. You ruined me. Stop calling, leave me alone. I’m done and there’s nothing you can say or do to change my mind Niall. Goodbye.” She hung up without another word from me. I threw my phone across the room. This couldn’t be happening, I did this to her. The best thing in my life was gone because of one fuck up, one huge mistake that I can’t make right and I can’t take back. I sat in silence for I don’t know how long before my phone beeped. In the darkness I made my way over to the phone and opened the message from Lexie. 

Don’t blame yourself for this. I’ll always love you. x

I stared at the screen not knowing if I was imagining the words that appeared. I couldn’t sit here and try to decipher the message, I needed to face her and have her tell me what it meant. I dressed and headed out the door to her flat. My fingers stroked the key in my pocket, the key I never gave back. I walked up the steps and knocked on the door. There was no answer so I fished my key out and turned the lock. “Lexie. Lexie are you here?” The only answer was silence. I checked the kitchen and the study but she wasn’t there. I walked back to her bedroom even though it was dark. I flicked the switch on and the room was empty. “Lexie?” Still silence was all that answered me. I knocked on the bathroom door before I turned the knob. I was greeted to her body lying on the floor and blood surrounding her. “LEXIE. Oh God. Lex, please don’t be dead. Oh God please wake up.” I nudged her but she didn’t move, her breathing becoming weaker. I dialed 911 as I sat putting pressure on her cuts. “Lexie, why? This is all my fault. I messed this up, I fucked everything up. I’m so sorry baby. I’m so sorry.” Tears pricked my eyes as I swept hair out of her face. “Please hang on. Please don’t leave me. I love you.” I knew I was hanging on for a miracle as my hands tried to apply as much pressure as possible but the cuts were too deep and she had already lost so much blood. 

By the time the paramedics showed up I could barely feel her pulse. They pushed me aside to assess the wounds but it was too late. I watched as she gasped and then her head rolled to the side lifeless. My cheeks stained with tears watched as they zipped the black body bag and wheel her out of the flat. I watched them as they took away everything that had meant something to me. I thought my world had stopped before but now everything was cold and black. I sat at the side of the bed I used to sleep on before lying down and curling into myself. I stared at the closet where my things used to hang. Then I saw the open notebook on the desk. I got up and hesitantly sat down in the chair. Tears were already falling as I ran my hand across the page. I inhaled deeply before opening my eyes and reading her last goodbye.

Whoever finds this(which I’m sure is going to be you Niall) I’m sorry. What you did with Brittany broke my heart completely. There was no repairing me after that happened, no going back from the darkness I entered. I wasn’t happy, I could never be happy again. My trust for people ended with you. But don’t blame yourself for this, for the blackness taking away the only light I had left, or for what’s going to happen later. Don’t blame yourself. I’ve struggled with this most of my life and now that my only light has gone away with losing you I can free myself from the pain. I’m sorry if I let you down by doing this but it’s the only way for me. I want you to know that even though you did a horrible thing, I never loved you any less. As much as I wanted to hate you, I couldn’t. You were my everything Niall and I would have eventually driven you away because you couldn’t fix me. It’s better this way, for the both of us. I’m sorry. Remember I’ll always love you. This wasn’t your fault. I love you so much. Goodbye.

Love always, 

Lexie xx

I read over the letter more than once trying to will her back, to have gotten here earlier to stop her from killing herself. Everything spiraled out of control and there was nothing I could do to change what happened. I got up from the now eerily empty flat and walked out, the tear and blood stained letter in my hand, and turned to walk out the door. I gave one last look at the haunting place and closed the door of everything I loved and everything I lost.